I have found myself having to trust more than ever lately. I have to trust that my wife and I can afford to have a roof over our heads, pay the bills, and that we will be able to pay for the impending hospital bills for the birth of our son, Blaise. Trust has taken on a new dimension with the added responsibilities of fatherhood and the need for it has gotten much bigger. Thus pressure has heaped on like cheddar cheese on nachos.
This massive need for trust coincides with what we see as the opportunity that God has presented before us. This opportunity is moving to Santa Fe, NM so that I can work as a Church Planting Apprentice, with the goal of planting another gospel centered church in the city.
The problem is that all of the things that we had trust in before to allow us to move and live there have been less than a sure thing. Support we thought we would initially be receiving went away. My wife Emily's ability to work was reduced with the birth of our child and her desire to be a stay at home mother. And the support we have raised so far has been a trickle that would only partially sustain us in one of the most expensive cities in the Southwest.
This doesn't mean we give up. It means we trust that the Lord will provide, if His desire is for us to be there.
In my mind that thought sounds crazy, because part of me doesn't believe it. Even as I am now looking for work that would allow me to be bivocational (basically where I work a job outside of the church alongside my job in the church) I find it hard to believe the Lord will provide this. And this is honestly because my own misgivings about myself.
I didn't do a "regular" degree in undergrad like business or education that leads straight to job. I studied religion because I wanted to learn more about the Scripture and how to minister to people. As well meaning as this is, that line of thinking doesn't exactly yell "HIRE ME!" to potential employers. I just means I went to college, I can't write papers, and I may or may not be a religious zealot (whatever that means). Since I know this line of thinking, having already gone through one really painful job search after graduation, I have low expectations for any job hunt. At times I want to give up because I just hate having to put myself out there and I keep getting shot down.
And yet I still grind away at it.
This all circles back to that "trust" I was talking about. It is hard for me to trust in myself. I know my weaknesses all too well and know how they work against me. Thankfully I can trust God with my life. Even though I am severely imperfect, God is perfect. Also, God has greater riches than I could ever imagine. In Psalms 50:10 it says "For every beast of the forest is mine,the cattle on a thousand hills." In the Gospel of Matthew Jesus says that even sparrows, who my wife lovingly refers to when talking to me about this passage as "stupid birds", are taken care of by God. Unfortunately I can let my trust in God be clouded by my desire to trust myself. This makes it excruciating to let my whole livelihood and the security of my family at His feet.
Yet, until God tells me to stop looking for jobs in Santa Fe and quit asking for support I am compelled to trust Him. And if God tells us that we shouldn't go and closes every available door, then we will trust Him. It would be hard, with us having been faithful to pursue what God has been putting on our hearts. We want to go to Santa Fe and invest our lives preaching the Gospel, but I realize even the Apostle Paul was told he couldn't go where his heart desired before (Acts 16:6-7). I have a desire to go where Christ is not revered as Savior. However, I can only go where God allows me.
And this is the hard that I am learning about trust. Trust isn't easy and can be entirely painful, but it is essential.
If you would like to support us as we go to Santa Fe or know of any job opportunities in the area please contact me at email@example.com or in the comments below ↓.
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- I am Colton. I have been married over a year (nothing to sneeze at) to the most awesome lady ever. I just finished my undergrad in Religion at ENMU and just started my MDiv at my current place of employment, Wayland Baptist University. Quick facts: I love steak, blogging, apologetics, theology, sports (especially football and rugby), indie rock, my truck, and the Lord. I don't like soccer, skinny jeans, and Top 40 music. If you aren't the same I think we'll still getting along just fine haha. If you have questions don't be afraid to ask!